Sunday, October 7, 2007

Suffering Is Not Relative

I was having a discussion with my friend Paul the other day about personal pain and how often people will put themselves out there as a compassionate ear to share your struggles with, only to try to trump you with a story of their own that a) doesn't make you feel any better about your situation and b)diminishes what you are going through in that moment. Haven't we all heard, from a concerned party the five famous words: "If you think that's bad ... "?

To me, when I choose to confide in someone, what I want from them is to listen and try to understand what's going on with me. I am not looking for comparisons, because they take away from the inherently personal nature of my experience. And the worst is when the receptor decides to present a situation that they think is similar or somehow more traumatic. That makes me feel so unheard and misunderstood because no one can know how any of us process the things we experience. And for them to determine how they think you should feel or react is completely biased and unfair. Suffering is not a relative thing between humans. We all feel differently and are affected by stimuli in different ways.

In keeping with the theme of this blog, none of us know what Britney is going through. Yet to compare our struggles with hers or hers to other celebrities' is a moot point. At the end of the day, the thing in this world that causes me the deepest suffering will not be the same thing that causes her the deepest suffering. However, if indeed we are suffering in the extreme, there is no comparison between the two. Neither one of us is worse off than the other because we would both be at our extreme.

Next time someone comes to you with a problem that really upsets them, whether it be that a check bounced and they're without cash for three days, or that a boyfriend they bought a $900 plane ticket to go visit dumped them days before the trip, or that their mother died (all experiences that people in my life are currently facing) it doesn't matter if you can relate to their drama or if it seems petty or overwhelming or whatever. Your friends are coming to you because they need empathy. They need a caring friend. They do not need to have their story topped or to be reassured that their drama is not that bad. Just listen to them. Be there for them. Provide them they help or advise they are seeking (if applicable). But always remember that this is their moment and their story, not yours. Because when it is time for yours, you will need the same thing from them.

PS - so as not to be a negative nelly, I should point out that I also believe this for positive experiences. When someone experiences a moment of pure bliss, celebrate that with them. Even if it doesn't seem all that exciting to you, we all want to share the things that make us feel something with those we care about. Share their bliss. Try to find a context for yourself that brings happiness too, but remember that in that moment it is ultimately about them.

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